Okay, to the butt monkeys who keep cold calling me and leaving voicemails twice a day. There’s a reason why I’m not calling you back. There’s a reason why I will NEVER call you back. It has to do with your voicemail, which starts,

“Good morning, my name is Butt Monkey from XYZ Corporation and I’m calling you to discuss the synergies which exist between our organizations and how we might leverage them…”

Those are weasel words, Butt Monkey. Those are weasel words to disguise the fact that you suck at marketing so badly, you can’t say in plain English what you want, which, after digesting your message and mentally shitting it out of my cranium, boils down to: “we’re a recruiting firm that can’t find jobs to fill, and we’re really hoping you’re too stupid or too lazy to realize that paying us 30% of a candidate’s base salary for our meager services is a jack. Please call me back so I can keep my job.”

That’s the message you left, Butt Monkey. Now fuck off.